You know that place in your head...

where you go to escape reality? mine is i start focusing on surfing the internet, watching tv, or i just completely go into myself and start planning the color of my nails, what i need to buy at the store, or even pretend im someone else completely.

this was much easier when i was younger.

i have spent my whole life developing this skill. when your 7 years old and your parents are brutally (even sometimes physically) fighting, all you can do is go play, distract yourself and hide; now that im 19 years old and the fights are primarily between my mom + sister, i still want to hide in myself.

my first instinct has always been to escape. weither it was through drugs, lying, b/p, or completely avoiding the situation no matter what the consiquences are (such as dropping out of high school), the only thing i could even imagine doing was running away.

through my recovery i have learned that nothing will get solved if i escape. if i dont except reality and deal with it, im just prolonging my own pain. i have learned i need to show up, push through, and most importantly accepted and surrender the situation. by no means is this easy. i have to work on this every single day. it will never be behind me, and i do fall short a bit.

like even just today i am auditing a class because i couldnt pass it, and even though its only to my benifit to attened, im not planning on actually going. im not sure what im running from, but with this i dont honestly care.

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lately ive been finding myself craving some excitment. now in my messed up brain, all i keep thinking about (obsessing over really) is a bunch of negative/hurtful things i can do. Now here is the big change, I talked to my sponcer about it BEFORE i acted out! and do you know what she had me do? brainstorm ideas of positive things i can to to satisfy my craving for excitement. who would have thought, something that simple that just completely blew my mind. almost imediatly ive stopped plotting the terrible things to do, and i actually planned to go kayaking, something i really love and dont get to do often.
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today has been mostly irritating. i followed my mom to an apointment, waiting for her to be done, then spent two hours trying to get food and finally getting home during which my mom and sister (as mentioned before) were batteling out there usual power struggle.

do you think it is normal for a 22 year old, who still lives at home, to perposly try and manipulate her mother by verbally attacking her with the worst insults she can think ok?
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tomorrow is steve's mom's surgery. im going down there early to wait with him and his dad, and to provide as much help as i can. i know a historectomy is reletivly rutien, but its still a major surgery and i know this isnt going to be easy for any of them.

she cant work for 8 weeks, mind you this women is the biggest care-taking, do-it-yourself person. i can just see her pushing herself too hard already.


ok well now ive just gone on a huge rant, and i need to get ready to go to "class" (a.k.a. nicoles house)
peace out.