i have no idea why im in such a good mood righ now, but im not going to question it.
the past two days werent all sunshine. i had a killer head ache and i was feeling a little depressed. even this morning i wasnt that great, but all of a suddon everything just seems better! (maybe cause i acually got out of bed)
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Ruth's surgery went well. it takes a long time to recover from though.
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Im leaving for the beach tomorrow, which will be very nice. im nervous for the ride down, but i know that once were there everything will be okay. my mom doesnt do well traveling, or going anywhere thats not around the corner for that matter, and the actual getting to the beach is very trying. Its more then a minor anoyence, and it always takes forever, but i just distract myself to keep me from going nuts.
usually when we go to the beach for a week, my dad rents a house there and my mom stays at an Inn near by, but this year my parents are splitting the house. my mom will be there saturday-tuesday, and my dad from tuesday night-saturday. maybe this will work better.
its suposed to rain a few days next week, but luckily we are going somewhere that we can do other stuff.
this is the first year, in a really long time, that i havnt had at least one friend come with me for the whole week. it kinda blows. i always would look foward to spending a whole week with steve, but this year i think it might be for the best that he cant come. we have been fighting (or bickering) alot lately. hes been driving me nuts, so maybe a little time away will make things better. You know distance makes the heart grow fonder.
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i do love steve, but ive been questioning our relationship lately. im not planning on breaking up with him by any means, but ive been considering if its what i really want.
its only been 3 years and i already feel like all the romance is gone, at least on his part. if its like this now, how bad will it be when were older. its just starting to feel very static, and almost too comfterble. I miss when we were first back together, and feeling excited again.
im also scared hes never gonna get his act together. hes 22, never had a serious job. after high school he spent 2 years doing nothing, then he went to welding school last year. he graduated in june and hasnt done much job searching since then. everytime i say anything, he either gets mad, or promises to change and doesnt.
what if he doesnt find a job for a long time? what if he continues to play video games all day? idk how much more i can take. and there is no nice way to say that to somebody.
im sick of having to constantly care for him.
and then lastly, i was thinking about it, and im not sure how much we have in common anymore. i was trying to think about it the other day, and the only thing i came up with is we both like the out doors. but its not like we go camping or anything often.
is it sad to say i just want to ignor everything i just said? i hurt him alot last year, when i broke up with him, and we got back to being our old selves. i never want to do that again, but im hitting similar problems i had last year.
i wish someone could tell me what to do, and how everything would work out. heh
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im going to look up NA meetings where im going, because there is no way im going a week without one.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
You know that place in your head...
where you go to escape reality? mine is i start focusing on surfing the internet, watching tv, or i just completely go into myself and start planning the color of my nails, what i need to buy at the store, or even pretend im someone else completely.
this was much easier when i was younger.
i have spent my whole life developing this skill. when your 7 years old and your parents are brutally (even sometimes physically) fighting, all you can do is go play, distract yourself and hide; now that im 19 years old and the fights are primarily between my mom + sister, i still want to hide in myself.
my first instinct has always been to escape. weither it was through drugs, lying, b/p, or completely avoiding the situation no matter what the consiquences are (such as dropping out of high school), the only thing i could even imagine doing was running away.
through my recovery i have learned that nothing will get solved if i escape. if i dont except reality and deal with it, im just prolonging my own pain. i have learned i need to show up, push through, and most importantly accepted and surrender the situation. by no means is this easy. i have to work on this every single day. it will never be behind me, and i do fall short a bit.
like even just today i am auditing a class because i couldnt pass it, and even though its only to my benifit to attened, im not planning on actually going. im not sure what im running from, but with this i dont honestly care.
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lately ive been finding myself craving some excitment. now in my messed up brain, all i keep thinking about (obsessing over really) is a bunch of negative/hurtful things i can do. Now here is the big change, I talked to my sponcer about it BEFORE i acted out! and do you know what she had me do? brainstorm ideas of positive things i can to to satisfy my craving for excitement. who would have thought, something that simple that just completely blew my mind. almost imediatly ive stopped plotting the terrible things to do, and i actually planned to go kayaking, something i really love and dont get to do often.
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today has been mostly irritating. i followed my mom to an apointment, waiting for her to be done, then spent two hours trying to get food and finally getting home during which my mom and sister (as mentioned before) were batteling out there usual power struggle.
do you think it is normal for a 22 year old, who still lives at home, to perposly try and manipulate her mother by verbally attacking her with the worst insults she can think ok?
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tomorrow is steve's mom's surgery. im going down there early to wait with him and his dad, and to provide as much help as i can. i know a historectomy is reletivly rutien, but its still a major surgery and i know this isnt going to be easy for any of them.
she cant work for 8 weeks, mind you this women is the biggest care-taking, do-it-yourself person. i can just see her pushing herself too hard already.
ok well now ive just gone on a huge rant, and i need to get ready to go to "class" (a.k.a. nicoles house)
peace out.
this was much easier when i was younger.
i have spent my whole life developing this skill. when your 7 years old and your parents are brutally (even sometimes physically) fighting, all you can do is go play, distract yourself and hide; now that im 19 years old and the fights are primarily between my mom + sister, i still want to hide in myself.
my first instinct has always been to escape. weither it was through drugs, lying, b/p, or completely avoiding the situation no matter what the consiquences are (such as dropping out of high school), the only thing i could even imagine doing was running away.
through my recovery i have learned that nothing will get solved if i escape. if i dont except reality and deal with it, im just prolonging my own pain. i have learned i need to show up, push through, and most importantly accepted and surrender the situation. by no means is this easy. i have to work on this every single day. it will never be behind me, and i do fall short a bit.
like even just today i am auditing a class because i couldnt pass it, and even though its only to my benifit to attened, im not planning on actually going. im not sure what im running from, but with this i dont honestly care.
-------------------------------------------------------------
lately ive been finding myself craving some excitment. now in my messed up brain, all i keep thinking about (obsessing over really) is a bunch of negative/hurtful things i can do. Now here is the big change, I talked to my sponcer about it BEFORE i acted out! and do you know what she had me do? brainstorm ideas of positive things i can to to satisfy my craving for excitement. who would have thought, something that simple that just completely blew my mind. almost imediatly ive stopped plotting the terrible things to do, and i actually planned to go kayaking, something i really love and dont get to do often.
-------------------------------------------------------------
today has been mostly irritating. i followed my mom to an apointment, waiting for her to be done, then spent two hours trying to get food and finally getting home during which my mom and sister (as mentioned before) were batteling out there usual power struggle.
do you think it is normal for a 22 year old, who still lives at home, to perposly try and manipulate her mother by verbally attacking her with the worst insults she can think ok?
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tomorrow is steve's mom's surgery. im going down there early to wait with him and his dad, and to provide as much help as i can. i know a historectomy is reletivly rutien, but its still a major surgery and i know this isnt going to be easy for any of them.
she cant work for 8 weeks, mind you this women is the biggest care-taking, do-it-yourself person. i can just see her pushing herself too hard already.
ok well now ive just gone on a huge rant, and i need to get ready to go to "class" (a.k.a. nicoles house)
peace out.
Monday, August 16, 2010
God, grant me some motivation!!!!
that is what a really need today.
i spent the better part of the day in bed, or in my pjs. there are about a million and one things i should be doing today; clean out my car, start writing anatomy note cards, do step work, go to the bank, start packing for vacation etc.
but after all the poking, proding, scoping, and scanning i think my body could use a day to rest. or at least that is my excuse.
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i got the results from my gallbladder (HIDA) scan, and it looks like thats not the problem. at least we ruled something out. my doctor did mention chrohn's disease, but im praying its not going to be something chronic like that. more will be revealed......
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on a side note:
I really really miss chelsea!! (steves dog)
as weird as that may sound, i have never met an even compairable pet. shes a 70 lb chocolate lab who just wants to love you! she gives great kisses, and will do anything for you to play with her, not to mention is the best to take a nap with!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Bonsai!!!
birthday dinner was great. i had all the people most important to me at one table (and no one faught!) :)
we went to a really nice habachi resturant. the cook put on a pretty good show, and was able to trick my mom a couple times. when its your birthday they turn on disco lights and a recording of some birthday type song and i got a sparkeler. its just something small to make you feel a little special on your birthday.
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its been a couple years since a had a nice birthday, probably about 2. but this year ment much more to me. it showed the huge diffrence a year in recovery can make. last year i went nuts around this time... some how over a few months i maniged to temperarily break up with steve, alienate all my friends, get my car taken away, drop out of college, and make some other mistakes.
i actually remeber that last year i spent the better part of the day crying and fighting with my dad.
now my life is completely diffrent. i picked my self up, finally. i guess i realised it was time to grow up. as cliche as it is, i got sick and tired of being sick and tired. im now back in school (and passed my first college class!), in a really stable place with steve, have earn the trust/respect of my family and friends, and i cant even tell you all the ways my personality has changed. it feels really nice to actually have something to celebrate.
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so i went to a fellow addicts funeral today. it was incredibly sad. if there was any good to what happened, it would be that it reminds all of us that if we go out, we may not make it back.
we went to a really nice habachi resturant. the cook put on a pretty good show, and was able to trick my mom a couple times. when its your birthday they turn on disco lights and a recording of some birthday type song and i got a sparkeler. its just something small to make you feel a little special on your birthday.
--------------------------------------------
its been a couple years since a had a nice birthday, probably about 2. but this year ment much more to me. it showed the huge diffrence a year in recovery can make. last year i went nuts around this time... some how over a few months i maniged to temperarily break up with steve, alienate all my friends, get my car taken away, drop out of college, and make some other mistakes.
i actually remeber that last year i spent the better part of the day crying and fighting with my dad.
now my life is completely diffrent. i picked my self up, finally. i guess i realised it was time to grow up. as cliche as it is, i got sick and tired of being sick and tired. im now back in school (and passed my first college class!), in a really stable place with steve, have earn the trust/respect of my family and friends, and i cant even tell you all the ways my personality has changed. it feels really nice to actually have something to celebrate.
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so i went to a fellow addicts funeral today. it was incredibly sad. if there was any good to what happened, it would be that it reminds all of us that if we go out, we may not make it back.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
We, addicts, should all remeber how quickly we can be back out there.
a women from my NA area died on thursday. i wasn't super close to her, but we used to talk a bit. Its just so shocking. she used to be extremely involved in NA, and very serious about her recovery. but for an unknown reason she went back out there and wasnt lucky enough to come back. i asume she died of a drug over dose, but i only got a vauge answer and i think its rude to ask.
im going to stop by at her veiwing tomorrow. i just know how upset everyone will be, i dont expect many dry eyes there.
it is so easy to forget how quickly everything we have worked for in recovery can disapier. i know that if i dont activly work on my recovery it could be me next. when your an addict, recovery is a life-or-death situation. this deffinetly sent shock waves to a bunch of us how possible it is to end up dead.
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my weekend is decent so far. i was suposed to see a friend, that i havnt in a while, but he ended up being sick so now i really dont have much to do.
steve is here for the weekend.
my birthday is tomorrow and i really havnt planned much. me, steve, my family, and 2 friends are going to dinner. i was going to go kyaking, but im really not feeling well enought to do that. i want to do something special with my friends, but i have no ideas.
its almost depressing how unspecial birthdays get as you get older. i still remeber being a little kid and counting down for months. being so excited, and have cool sleep over parties. now i dont even remeber half the time, and it just seems like another day. i wish i could have that childhood excitment again. it seems like its so much harder to be saticfied now a days.
im still trying to figure out blogger. when i used to have a xanga there were blogrings (groups) for people of common interest or topic to join. is there something like that for blogger?
im going to stop by at her veiwing tomorrow. i just know how upset everyone will be, i dont expect many dry eyes there.
it is so easy to forget how quickly everything we have worked for in recovery can disapier. i know that if i dont activly work on my recovery it could be me next. when your an addict, recovery is a life-or-death situation. this deffinetly sent shock waves to a bunch of us how possible it is to end up dead.
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my weekend is decent so far. i was suposed to see a friend, that i havnt in a while, but he ended up being sick so now i really dont have much to do.
steve is here for the weekend.
my birthday is tomorrow and i really havnt planned much. me, steve, my family, and 2 friends are going to dinner. i was going to go kyaking, but im really not feeling well enought to do that. i want to do something special with my friends, but i have no ideas.
its almost depressing how unspecial birthdays get as you get older. i still remeber being a little kid and counting down for months. being so excited, and have cool sleep over parties. now i dont even remeber half the time, and it just seems like another day. i wish i could have that childhood excitment again. it seems like its so much harder to be saticfied now a days.
im still trying to figure out blogger. when i used to have a xanga there were blogrings (groups) for people of common interest or topic to join. is there something like that for blogger?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
here is the run down
when i start a new blog i like it to be a new chapter, but i think explaining myself first is always a good idea.
most important things
1. I'm in recovery from drug addiction since 10/25/08
2. My friends are the world to me
3. My mom suffers from a extreme form of OCD
4. I've been with my boyfriend since 3/5/07, and i plan on marrying him one day
5. I love kids.
6. Im in college to become a nurse
with that out of the way....
My Health
i have been having some health problems lately. It started about 2 weeks ago with severe pain in my upper right abdomin that sent me to the ER. its been practically constant ever since. there still trying to figure out whats wrong with me. i went and got an upper endoscopy yesterday and then a hida scan of my gallbladder today. with all these tests my body is just exhausted. im in so much pain right now and i dont know how much longer i can take this. now i have to wait 2 weeks before i see my doctor and get all the results.
Its really hard to be nice to people, especially my mom, when im in pain.
Recovery
I havnt been to a meeting since monday, and since its my birthday this weekend, i probably wont make one till next monday. i feel like ive been slacking a little bit. i havnt been reaching out to too many people in my network. i did talk to my sponcer on tuesday, and i talk to my sponcie almost everyday...but i know i need a meeting. If steve wasnt going to be here all weekend i would go to one, but i really just want some time with him.
its been over a week since i wrote on my 6th step. but i said getting into it that i need a break from constant step work right now.
Steve
we have been fighting all the time lately. hes 22 and doesnt have a job, hasnt had one since he graduated high school. he repeats the same old patterns and it gets really frustraiting. everytime he has a minor set back he gives up.
i know i enable him. i do everything for him. im not sure what to do about it though. i mean i want to help him, but if im too nice he will never learn. its hard for me to not help people though, i generally care to much and get overly involved in other peoples problems.
my mom
shes been really getting to me lately. even though im sick and miserable she still expects me to help her and acomidate her. not to mention she acts like me being sick is so hard for her. i mean im the one going through it. she will yell at me for things i want because im sick. i wanted to go to bed early tonight (which you can tell isnt really working out) and she got mad at me for not sitting around and talking to her.
i know she cant help it, but it just feels like shes so self centered. its my birthday this weekend and shes still trying to force me to go with her to the beach. i know your think "why wouldnt she go to the beach?". you have to understand with my moms disability it takes all the fun out of it. we always end up getting ready late, then it takes her 2-4 hours to get out of the house, then 15 mins of checking the drivway and thats when she doesnt end up turning around to check it again, usually on the drive she gets really anxious and theres always a fight. once we get to the beach things are nice ther but when its time to leave ill be waiting several hours before were in the car and then 30-60 mins checking things around the car. with the stress of all that someone in my family always ends up in a fight when we go to the beach. so no thats not how i want to spend my birthday
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i took care of some stuff for school today, which made me feel like a was a little productive. i also did some more online job applications.
ok so its time for me to go to sleep. my body needs serious rest. im pray for improvement tomorrow.
most important things
1. I'm in recovery from drug addiction since 10/25/08
2. My friends are the world to me
3. My mom suffers from a extreme form of OCD
4. I've been with my boyfriend since 3/5/07, and i plan on marrying him one day
5. I love kids.
6. Im in college to become a nurse
with that out of the way....
My Health
i have been having some health problems lately. It started about 2 weeks ago with severe pain in my upper right abdomin that sent me to the ER. its been practically constant ever since. there still trying to figure out whats wrong with me. i went and got an upper endoscopy yesterday and then a hida scan of my gallbladder today. with all these tests my body is just exhausted. im in so much pain right now and i dont know how much longer i can take this. now i have to wait 2 weeks before i see my doctor and get all the results.
Its really hard to be nice to people, especially my mom, when im in pain.
Recovery
I havnt been to a meeting since monday, and since its my birthday this weekend, i probably wont make one till next monday. i feel like ive been slacking a little bit. i havnt been reaching out to too many people in my network. i did talk to my sponcer on tuesday, and i talk to my sponcie almost everyday...but i know i need a meeting. If steve wasnt going to be here all weekend i would go to one, but i really just want some time with him.
its been over a week since i wrote on my 6th step. but i said getting into it that i need a break from constant step work right now.
Steve
we have been fighting all the time lately. hes 22 and doesnt have a job, hasnt had one since he graduated high school. he repeats the same old patterns and it gets really frustraiting. everytime he has a minor set back he gives up.
i know i enable him. i do everything for him. im not sure what to do about it though. i mean i want to help him, but if im too nice he will never learn. its hard for me to not help people though, i generally care to much and get overly involved in other peoples problems.
my mom
shes been really getting to me lately. even though im sick and miserable she still expects me to help her and acomidate her. not to mention she acts like me being sick is so hard for her. i mean im the one going through it. she will yell at me for things i want because im sick. i wanted to go to bed early tonight (which you can tell isnt really working out) and she got mad at me for not sitting around and talking to her.
i know she cant help it, but it just feels like shes so self centered. its my birthday this weekend and shes still trying to force me to go with her to the beach. i know your think "why wouldnt she go to the beach?". you have to understand with my moms disability it takes all the fun out of it. we always end up getting ready late, then it takes her 2-4 hours to get out of the house, then 15 mins of checking the drivway and thats when she doesnt end up turning around to check it again, usually on the drive she gets really anxious and theres always a fight. once we get to the beach things are nice ther but when its time to leave ill be waiting several hours before were in the car and then 30-60 mins checking things around the car. with the stress of all that someone in my family always ends up in a fight when we go to the beach. so no thats not how i want to spend my birthday
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i took care of some stuff for school today, which made me feel like a was a little productive. i also did some more online job applications.
ok so its time for me to go to sleep. my body needs serious rest. im pray for improvement tomorrow.
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