To blog or not to blog? That is the question.

I have this problem of starting blog type journal things, getting really into them and then all of a suddon i just stop writing. I really hate this about myself.

I havn't even been on blogger in months, but today i decided i was in the mood to start it up again. I really have a problem following through on things, so my new goal is to write at least 1x a week for 2 months. I hope it turns out to be realistic.

Since im already on the topic of following through on things (which is very aparent in my life today) ill start talking about school.

This fall i started out with the best intentions, as I always do, but somewhere in the middle it got fucked up put to the way side. I believe i originally signed up for 4 classes. By mid-october i think i had dropped all but 1. It's anatomy & physiology, which is obviously really important if i want to make it into the nursing program. Sometime after thanksgiving shit really hit the fan in my life and, as i always have done when things get sticky, i decided i was done with school. I stopped attending most of my classes. I also decided i was going to drop out.

Eventually (by the last week of classes) i decided i would never forgive myself if i didnt give it another shot. I dont want my M.O. to be the girl who always gives up when things get bumpy anymore...so i somewhat reluctantly decided to ask my teacher for an incomplete and finish the work. I went against every grain in my body and actually studied (better late then never). It's a very diffucult class though, and when i took the final i didnt feel like i did well at all. I cant except failure in myself so i just wont try. I started freaking out and all my parents could say was "Were so proud of you for actually following through." at the time this statement really pissed me off cause i couldnt get past the fact that i didnt feel confident in what my grade would be. Now looking back (about 3 days ago), im starting to see the bigger picture. I even went back the next day and took another exam i had to finish.

When i was done i couldn't believe myself. I actually pushed through something and wouldnt have a 0.00 GPA. I'm starting to be quite proud of myself, but i have to keep up with this and get throught the next semester. Im trying to tell myself even if a get a C or F in a class, at least i tried. Thats my self affermation for today.

Change is really anoying/sucky/hard good, when i can be proud of myself afterwards.

There is another huge thing i did in my life recently that i never thought i would before. I went to church. If you knew me you would know that my father is jewish, and my mother was raised cathlic. Therefore, my parents decided not to choose religion for us at all.

My whole life i could never get the idea of it. I always thought it wasn't for me and that i could never believe, after pretty much being "conditioned" not to.

But lately with everything going on with my moms cancer (ill tell you more about it on a later post) i found a serious need within my self for some religion. Ive never felt so openminded before. So i decided to go with various friends to try a few different churchs and see what fit. Believe it or not the one i really liked was Zarapath, which is a local christain church of the "born again" variety. I never saw anything like it before, people were so openly emotional about there faith. It was beautiful. I even cried.